Wayne Rooney has been given a £5 million advance on five volumes of his autobiography by HarperCollins. There’s only one Wayne Rooney, but how many ghosts will help write his adventures between the goalposts? At a million per volume of biographical fudge you’d hope for word wizardry to make gold of the sludge; the swearing, the tantrums, the overwhelming ennui. For this sort of money perhaps JK Rowling’s free? There’s something appealing about a potato-head Potter who’s a whiz with a football but a bit of a blotter when it comes to keeping the copybook clean – and she’d make…

Kylie Minogue is to make her debut as an author in September with Showgirl Princess, a semi-autobiographical children’s book. What might happen if Kate Moss, who allegedly used a Faberge egg to carry cocaine, ecstasy and the date-rape drug Rohypnol around the world with her, followed the same route? Our latest bestseller, for streetwise kids which we won the rights to after furious bids is a fabulous publishing powder keg called Pretty Kate and her Magic Egg in which a young woman travels the world and copes with the chaos into which she’s been hurled by extracting white powder from…

Supermodel Naomi Campbell is fuming after her name was linked to Botox pioneer Dr Jean-Louis Sebagh through two stories in Hello! magazine. The 35-year-old catwalk queen has previously denied having any form of cosmetic enhancement. Cast in bronze or carved from alabaster, surviving on a diet of air and pasta, models waft through the pages of fashion magazines like goddesses littering a eugenicist’s dreams. Merely by their looks, models live and die, brief apples of the fashion world’s eye. Perfectly ephemeral, these catwalk queens must hand on their designer jeans or trade their fading, youthful skins for plastic noses, breasts…

“Tessa Jowell, the beleagured culture secretary, is expected to learn her fate tomorrow after an inquiry to establish whether she breached the ministerial code by failing to reveal some of her family’s business dealings.” The Guardian, 1/3/06 Dear Culture Minister, divine Tessa Jowell I await with interest an earnest avowal of financial transparency backed up with proof. Or for your career to go quietly poof. It may be judgemental to assume that your spouse brokered shifty deals to pay for your house but I can’t help feeling that a friend of Berlusconi could be anything other than shady and phony….

Armin Meiwes – who murdered and ate a man he met over the internet – says he would like to have Robbie Williams for dinner because he only eats “beautiful people”. Twisted though his outlook may be, it is an excellent metaphor for the desperate need to be famous that is creeping through the heart of British society. I want to feast on the beautiful set, it’s time that they gave as good as they get; Brad, Angelina, Jude Law and the rest. You are what you eat must be put to the test. Not a single soap star will…

“Prince Charles regards himself as a ‘dissident working against the prevailing political consensus’, who scatters furious letters to ministers on contentious issues and denounces elected leaders of other countries…” The Guardian, 22nd February 2006 The dissident who would be King keeps hoping he’s the real thing, but angry letters from an ivory tower are a far cry from wielding actual power. He may see himself as the Dalai Lama but he lives the high life in a diorama, merely a puppet on the political stage, desperate to break free, to come of age. The dissident born of a line of…

Madonna is believed to have injured herself recently by exercising too much and by contorting herself into unusual positions during dance routines. Take me to my exercise chamber and work me ‘til I’m muscle, skin and bone. Fitness is essential, so don’t be reverential just work me ‘til I’m less than seven stone. Push me through a punishing regime and feed me liquid meals from tiny cans. Food is an addiction, extra weight a dereliction of duty to the cameras and my fans. Take me to my exercise chamber and push me if I start to flag or groan. Work…