TEXT AN IMMIGRANT

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The Borkowski poet in residence takes at look at headline-grabbing policymaking in light of John Reid’s plans to introduce a text messaging scheme for potential visa overstayers. Text an immigrant, hug a hoodie. Solve race relations; hang Jade Goody. Text an immigrant but don’t be petty – they can stay if they’re pretty like Shilpa Shetty. Text an immigrant on Richard and Judy. You Say We Pay to hug a hoodie. Text an immigrant, say the leaders with a careful eye on tabloid readers. Text an immigrant, get them on their bikes. If they’ve got no visa they can take…
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THE VERY MODEL OF A MODERN COOL PRIME MINISTER

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Tony Blair is still clearly considering his place in history. The Borkowski poet in residence wonders if he might not be better placed in a Gilbert and Sullivan operetta… I am the very model of a modern cool Prime Minister. My intonation’s lively, not serious and sinister. I know the Queen of England and my purpose is historical – from learning to the NHS, not one thing’s metaphorical I’m very well acquainted, too, with issues of legality I understand a quandary in all matters of morality and though I understand a paper serves a very useful function, I wish the…
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Movie Business Mayhem

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What is often forgotten about the Hollywood movie business in its early days, is its absolute excess on every level. Cecil B De Mille was noted for his flagrant behaviour and he was best known for his biblical epics, such as King of Kings and The Ten Commandments. Because of the biblical subject matter, De Mille got away with murder. He filmed orgy scenes, nude women, women kissing women, and unspeakable violence. If a critic objected to one of his films, De mille would reply “if you condemn my Bible pictures, you condemn the Bible.” At that time, movie publicists…
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THE FAT OF THE LAND

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Prince Charles was overheard on Tuesday suggesting that McDonalds should be banned. It later came out that his Duchy Original Cornish Pasties were fattier, saltier and generally less healthy than a Big Mac. The Borkowski poet in residence considers what Charles might be thinking. I don’t want blubbery subjects enslaved to some burger chain. It would put a terrible dampener on my eventual reign. I don’t want a nation of fatties, unable to sink to their knees, who can’t genuflect, bow or scrape because of oncoming heart disease. I want people to buy organic from my farms or possibly elsewhere…
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The power behind the Freud

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Just as a thousand liggers sharpened their patter to pass the clipboard test to slither into post Oscar parties, four days later in London I suspect the wannabes will try to assemble at Matthew Freud’s send off hurrah for his arch lieutenant, Kris Thykier.
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